Friday, December 6, 2013

Installment 6

Okay....this one is much longer. And apparently, according to one thing I saw.....this is a Novel.

Not a REAL novel, just in how many words it has. (It's not getting published or anything.) But 45,500 words is a lot of words. This blog isn't ending anytime soon.....

Anyway, I apologize in advance for what you will read next.

Not the writing, just...the emotions.

I made myself cry on this one, and let me tell you, I DO NOT CRY WHILE WRITING ANYTHING. (Except this apparently)

So...enjoy! -Saphira

*****

I slowly and quietly exited Dis's room.

Heh, I like the name Kili.


Fili was in his room, sitting obediently on his bed when I walked in.


He looked up fast and the first thing that came out of his mouth was, “Where do babies come from?”


I sighed as Fili continued, “Because there must be a logical explanation for it, the baby can’t just.....just.....spring out of a hole in the ground!”


“How do you know what logical means!?”


“Mister Balin told me.”

“Oh.”

Mister Balin.

“What else did he tell you?”

“That you should get married.”

I raised my eyebrows, “That so?”

“Uncle Thorin, what’s married?”

I sighed, “Uh..not now Fili...”

“Why not? If you won’t tell me where babies come from, why can’t you tell me what married is?”

“Why are you so....Fine.” I straightened, “Married is when a dwarf man and a dwarf woman get together and start a home. End of conversation.”

“Oh.”

Fili beamed, “Everything makes sense now!”

“What do you mean, ‘Everything makes sense now?’”

Fili smiled sheepishly, “No reason Uncle Thorin.”

I sighed.

Great.







The funeral was scheduled two weeks later.

Because of the late notice, only our mother could come.

She came and mostly stayed with Dis, who was still recovering in her bedroom.

The task of caring for Kili mostly fell to Fili and I.

He was easy as he slept most of the day, only waking so that Dis could feed him.

I taught Fili how to hold the baby and how to change his clothes and diapers.

When Kili was asleep, we would have some Fili and Uncle Thorin time.

Sometimes, Dwalin would come over and would play with Fili.

Fili taught him how to hold Kili the right way, which was very amusing on my part, then how to change his clothes, which Dwalin did not necessarily need to know, but Fili taught him anyway.

Sometimes, Balin would come over as well, but he didn’t want to hold Kili, lest he drop him.

Bofur, the toy maker occasionally stopped by as well with a bunch of flowers for Dis, and a stuffed toy for Fili.

Some of Dis’s friends would show up too, to help care for Dis and Kili, and mostly brought us all of our food, because I wasn’t very good at cooking and felt that if I left the house to go hunting, something bad might happen.

All Dis’s friends mostly came during the day however, so I spent many sleepless nights caring for wailing Kili, who was perfect at napping during the day, but never slept during the night.

So there were numerous occasions when I fell asleep in a chair with Kili during the day, and was woken by one of Dis’s friends clucking her tongue and lifting Kili off my lap so I could get proper sleep.

Of course, being wakened by a woman you hardly know as she takes your nephew off your lap is highly disturbing, so I often woke up and didn’t go back to sleep until they left.

Dis’s friends adored Kili.

Who wouldn’t?

But they treated him like he was their own son.

They doted on him and took turns holding him if I let them have him for that long.

Where Dis got all these friends, I didn’t know, but they seemed to grow by numbers everyday.

Either they brought their daughters, or invited more friends to come over.

Either way, they were a great help, but sometimes a nuisance.

Why couldn’t they let me live my life the way I wanted it to go?

They had this whole schedule worked out, with different women taking different shifts until supper.

But mother found them comforting.

She had more help caring for Dis, and more time with her grandsons.

Every night, when the women had left, and supper was over, everyone would gather in Dis’s room and talk.

Dis was very sick, and couldn’t talk much, but when she did, her voice sounded like music to my ears.

Fili would sit next to her and cuddle while she held Kili and kissed him.

Mother said to me one night after we had put Fili to bed, “I don’t know how I feel about leaving her after the funeral, she is very sick.”

“Don’t worry mother,” I reassured, “ We have plenty of women here, she will be fine.”

“No Thorin, I meant....if she sees Aili’s coffin, she might get sicker...”

“Oh...” I trailed off.

“Her sickness is partially based on the pain of losing Aili, I don’t think she should go.”

I shrugged and looked down at my hands, “Perhaps.”

Mother sighed, “Ah, the boys are so young...”

“Fili knows what the word logical meant.”

Mother laughed, “Thorin, you were always good at avoiding the subject.”

I looked into her eyes, “Am I?”

She sighed, “Where did he learn logical from? His father?”

“No, Balin.”

“Balin?”

“He lives in town, he’s actually been coming here with his brother Dwalin.”

“Dwalin?”

“ Uh... he’s the big, scary..”

“Ah.”

It was creepy how fast she got that.

She walked into her room and shut the door humming.

I sighed and sat down next to Kili’s cradle, awaiting another sleepless night alone with Kili and my thoughts.





I woke to someone lifting Kili off my lap.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw one of Dis’s friends as she gently took sleeping Kili.

She noticed me and smiled, “Good morning sir.”

I sat up slowly and stretched my legs, realizing that Kili had slept the whole night through.

I also realized something else.

I looked up at the woman, “Is it today?”

She smiled sadly, “Yes it is.”

I sat up and got out of the chair, “How many more hours?”

“About two sir.”

I sighed and walked into the kitchen.

Women were everywhere, but I managed to find mother.

“Thorin, go see your sister, comfort her before you go.”  That was all she said.

So I went to Dis’s room.

I knocked softly on the door, and when I heard a faint, “Come in.” I entered.

To my surprise, Dis was out of bed and actually standing before a mirror.

She was wearing her favorite blue party dress and necklace, and was trying hopelessly to get her hair up.

“....Dis!”

She turned around and smiled faintly.

“Dis, get back into bed before mother sees you!”

“I’m fine!” She retorted.

“You are very sick, you need rest! Going anywhere isn’t going to help you!”

I walked towards her, but she backed away, “Thorin Oakenshield, do you really think I am going to miss Aili’s.....his.....”

Dis bit her lip trying to hold back tears.

She took a deep breath and straightened, “I am going.”

“Dis.....”

My sister turned back to her mirror and ignored me.

“Dis, what will mother think?”

“Mother can think what she likes. I am going....if it kills me!”

“And what if it does?!” I almost bellowed.

Dis turned around, surprised.

“What if you go, and you.....you die?! What about Kili? Who will take care of him? What about Fili? He needs you! If you go now, mother says you might get worse, that the grief will destroy you! Just stay Dis!”

Dis took a shaking step back and leaned on a table, holding a hand to her chest and choking back tears.

I suddenly realized what I had said.

I rushed over to her, “Oh Dis, I’m so sorry, please forgive me!”

She embraced me, and we stood like that, for awhile, trying not to cry.

Then Dis pulled away and brushing my hair away from my face asked, “Then why are you going?”

I didn’t answer.

“Why are you going if the grief will destroy You? Fili and Kili both need you, who will take care of them?”

I noticed how she used my words, “It’s not like that Dis, you are very sick, you shouldn’t even be standing now!”

She smiled faintly then said, “I am going, now help me with my shoes.”






Mother only objected once before letting Dis have her way.

But she insisted that we hire a wagon anyway to transport Dis, she couldn’t walk all the way there.

I dressed Fili in his little suit, and he complained the whole way of it being itchy, but wore it anyway.

Of course, all the women that helped at our house were invited too, so they walked alongside the wagon as I led the pony down the road.

Dis had made sure I was in best costume, but it was very stiff and uncomfortable, making me want to complain just like Fili.

We arrived just as it was starting, and almost the whole town greeted us.

We all stood next to Bofur, Balin and Dwalin, who without a word paid their respects.

Kili fell asleep as the service began, but I didn’t even remember it.

I was numb.

All I remembered of the service was Dis weeping on my shoulder, and that Bofur took Kili off her so that she could stand better.

Fili just stood at my side and held onto my clothes, wondering why everyone was crying.

I just stared at the coffin.

It was a big one, the best one we could afford, set high off the ground.

It was grey.

That was all I could remember.

There were pretty flowers strewn about it, but it seemed like a waste to me.

Finally, the service ended.

One by one, they all came up to the coffin to pay their last respects.

I didn’t know how it happened, but we were finally in front, looking down on the grey stone slab that covered the top.

Dis could hardly look at it, and so mother had to pull her away.

I set Fili on top of it and he picked up the flowers that Bofur had put on top.

He looked at them, then at the engraving at the top.

He scooted over to look and beamed up at me, “I know what it says because Mister Balin taught me how to read.”

I said nothing.

Fili began, “Well, Uncle, it says, ‘To Mommy, I love you and I hope you have a good day. I’m sorry I put the deer on your nice table and bled all over the couch and stole cookies out of the cookie jar and smoked in the house and made you cry when I left. I hope you know that I still love you, and that when I kissed you, that I meant it, even though Fili thought it was dros. Tell Kili that I love him too. And tell Uncle Thorin to get married. And always remember me.  Love daddy.’”

Fili beamed up at me as I took a closer look at the engraving.

All I saw was the usual, Alil’s name, His birth and death date, and then something in ancient dwarvish that I couldn’t make out. Below all that was a carving of a violin.

No letter to Dis from Aili.

Ah...Fili...

I sighed and picked Fili off the coffin and set him on the ground.

He ran off to Dis, carrying the bunch of flowers.

I turned back to the coffin and sighed.

Goodbye Aili.

I felt the cold stone under my fingers, then turned away.

I balled up my fists.


I hated Wargs.











Later, there was the usual dwarven gathering, where everyone brought food to have a brief meal before separating.

Dis was sobbing so hard, she could barely stand, so I took Kili for her and got some food.

I was still all so numb from it, that I hardly noticed when different women offered to hold Kili for me.

Later, I found myself wandering around in a apple tree grove farther beyond the gathering.

I slowly sat down at the base of a tree with Kili on my lap.

He yawned and stretched and I looked down at his little face.

He blinked, then opened his big brown eyes to look at me.

I smiled briefly, “Hi Kili.”

He yawned, but then looked back up at me again.

“Just you and me right now huh? Uncle Thorin and Kili time?”

Kili said nothing.

“Your father was a good man, don’t you forget that.”

Kili tilted his head and grabbed a hold of one of my braids.

“Don’t worry, you’ll grow hair like this one day.”

Kili didn’t let go.

“Alright, It will probably be more like your father’s.”

Kili blinked.

“Your father was smart too, you will probably grow up to be smart like him.”

Kili blinked again.

“Smart and brave and.....and good at painting.”

Kili yawned.

“Alright, go on, sleep. That’s the only thing you are good at doing.”

Kili began to close his eyes.

“Well, that and crying.”

Kili finally closed his eyes.

I sighed, “Why am I even here Kili? Aili should be holding you, not me! And you should be in the cradle by the fire and Alil should be playing his violin, and after supper, he should be playing with Fili, and Dis should be teaching  him how to hold you, and Aili should be teaching you how to paint, and he should be tucking you in at night instead of me! Why? I should be dead Kili, not him! I hardly had much of a life anyway! I don’t even have a family!.... Why him...?”

Despite myself, I felt tears come to my eyes.

“Why Kili....Why couldn’t I have saved him? It’s all my fault!”

I looked at Kil’s peaceful sleeping face, “Why am I even talking to you? You can’t understand me!”

Kili yawned and then pulled on my braid, a contented smile on his face.

He looked like Aili.

I choked back a sob.

“Kili....”

I rocked him gently then stopped, too saddened to go on.

Why?

Why?!

WHY?!

AILI WAS INNOCENT!

HE WAS SO YOUNG!

I COULD HAVE SAVED HIM!

I COULD HAVE!!!

IT WAS ALL MY FAULT!

HE WAS DEAD!

DEAD!

I couldn’t contain it any longer.

I lifted up my head to the trees, let out a yell fit to shake the mountain,


And wept.

2 comments:

  1. Poor Thorin*gives him a comforting hug* :) This was so emotionally good for my soul=D Awww, baby Kili!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sarah! Thorin takes your hug with enthusiasm. hehehe. I honestly don't know what to do with all your comments! Thanks for reading my stuff even though it really needs revision! -bleh- XP -Saphira

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